This weeks email messages

Email messages (05 April - 18April)

So some of you may have noticed I missed this week’s emails. Wasn’t really my fault. I had a problem with the old dog and bone and it wouldn’t charge. Turns out I shouldn’t have buried it in the garden for safe keeping!

At last just in time for summer the offers of swimming pools are flooding in, see what I did there! The best one was in the shape of a bone!!!! Did they know I’m a dog? Mind you if I get into trouble for burying it what will happen when I drop it in the water?
Last chance tickets for Andrea Bocelli and Chase Atlantic. Always a good listen although when I sing along I often get told off. Thanks O2 but Ill pass on this occasion.
Might be thinking of buying a flat in Leads (or is that Leeds). These apartments are top notch and designed by award winning architects. Growth forcast is 14.2% which will mean a longer walk down the stairs from the top floor so watch out!
I can claim back thousands if I say my diesel car was sold to me on a whim. Well that’s not a lie, who sell a car to a dog for goodness sake!

Email messages (29 March -04 April)

Gutted is the best way to describe how I feel this week. Either every email was an April Fool, or none were. It is hard to tell these days.

The first one was from the website hosting company. I was shocked to find out I have had an increase in visitors (+57%) and page views (+73%). All this was from a mere pooch with limited typing capabilities; I tried speech-to-text, but it was unsuccessful!
Does my business have a fuel card, iCompario ask. Well, let me see, firstly, do I have a business and second, do I have vehicles that need fuel.....no will be my answer to that, so why ask me a dog those questions?
Chrono Hunter is still trying to get me to flog them a watch or buy one from them. This time, the email is addressed to Dear +44203965755. I am not a number; I have a name!!!!....and trust pilot, give them five stars; I wouldn't give them one good boy (that's sexist, BTW) choc.
Now we're talking about a trip to Venice by Trip Advisor. Does it come with a swimming lesson? I'm good at doggie paddle.
A lovely man called "Rob" is offering to help me find the perfect garden furniture set for my space. Well, "Rob", since my space is a 6x8 kennel, I will accept your offer and see what wonderful things you come up with. "Understanding how and when you use your garden is key" apparently. Well, "Rob", it's sometimes a place to run around like a crazy thing for no good reason, and sometimes it's a loo. Does that help? It cracked me up when the picture of the furniture says, "I'm new". Who ever heard of talking furniture? Well, that said, you are reading stuff written by a dog! "Do you like eating outside"? Frankly, I eat where my humans put it down.
Fantastic news, UGGs are back in stock. For those of you who want to have your fur on the inside, that's a real treat, for the rest of us, get a life!

More next week.

Email messages (22 - 28 March)

More emails to a dog!

The Oura ring emails are flooding in; I can just about keep up with them all. Some are useful, like "how to keep your ring in good condition". Some are a little less so, such as "ways to get a better sleep score." I'm hitting over a hundred daily with my lifestyle. There have been a couple of alerts about high activity levels late at night, but if you've read the blog, you'll appreciate why;-)
Another Wood Farm Exchange: "Hello, friends at Wood Farm, it's Tibby here. I hope you're all well. Is there any chance I can come and stay this weekend, please? I can arrive on Saturday morning and check out on Monday. Can I also request a bath on Monday morning? I've been hanging around with Larry and can't get his scent out of my coat"?
Thanks, and I hope to see you on Saturday.
Tibby
"Hi, Tibby. Good to hear from you. We're still impressed with your typing skills; you should start a blog or something. We'd love to have you stay, do you want your usual room next to Mr Russell (Jack). We know you've been seeing Larry, but while the humans are away....? You'll definitely need a bath if you've been with Larry. We know how much he loves to roll in anything he finds.
Look forward to welcoming you on Saturday".
Your friends at Wood Farm.
The Daily Mail (actually, the email address was Rotten Tomatoes; that's one for Larry) is offering me free weight loss pills. These beauties were apparently on Dragons Den, and "never before have the judging panel unanimously decided to each invest over a million pounds into a potential company". No, you're right, rotten tomatoes, because they know the show format, and you're taking rubbish! I thought I would Google Isabelle Thorpe, the name of this investor extraordinary. Turns out the real Isabelle is a synchronised swimmer, and weight loss pills she does not need!
Elon Musk is getting in on the act now. Bored with messing with the US economy, he's now developing an invention that saves 90% of your electricity bills. I hope he didn't sell one to the guys at Heathrow; they can't charge you for what you're not getting; that's a saving!

Oh, now I'm conflicted about weight loss pills and an email offering free desserts for the rest of my life from Hello Fresh! I think I'll plump for the spotted dick.
The last one this week was a great voucher from Anne Summers offering me 50% off any toy for Mother's Day. I'll have the squeaky ball with the bell inside, please.

Email messages (15-21 March)

Another week another set of SPAM

Obvs I've been signed up to the Oura ring app (read the blog) so loads of stuff about fitness and sleep, which I'm really good at. I'm struggling with the whole stress think. Can anyone help me to big up my stress levels it would be much appreciated? At the moment where I've put my squeaky ball is as bad as it gets.
I'm sorry to hear that Heathrow is shut due to a lack of energy. Should have got the same email I did about solar panels for Britesh energy think the spelling was a clue to the SPAM. I can cover the kennel and save £45k a year according to the nice Ed bloke on TV today.
If you don't fancy solar I can have a free boiler fitted for a free grant from the same bloke Ed.
There is a episode of of dragons den I've clearly missed. In this episode a woman introduces a pill that manically burns off fat. Perhaps they use the fat in the free boiler? I have been offered a 40% discount. If I'd know earlier I could have avoided that bl**dy ring on my tail!
Sure sign it's Easter soon. I've been waiting for the egg offers to come pouring in. Lindt are the first ones to come in. All I need to do is a quick survey on my use of chocolate. Can I tell them I'm lactose intolerance?
Last one for the week my car (I don't have one but if I did it would be a Rover) is worth £1000 more if I sell it through Carwow! No hidden fees and no hassle. No sh!t Sherlock.

Email messages (8-14 Mar '25)

Another week and another load of stupid emails.

All the usual threats of being cut off from McAfee, Netflix and iCloud, blah, blah, blah.
This one got my tail wagging. Free guitar lessons! I envision renditions of Hound Dog in the kennels, gyrating my hips like Elvis. Could I manage "Who let the dogs out" when the kennel wardens aren't looking? We already debated how much my friend in the window was, and I was never a Donny fan, and that kind of love is definitely not allowed!
I'm gearing up for my next dog-it-yourself project. Now I can win a Black and Decker cordless combi drill from B&Q. I'm considering turning a chest of drawers into a crate. Don't laugh. It's already been done! Which draw does he put his balls in?
I got confused when I was offered free windows. I booted my lapdog top and was about to hit install when I found out they were the glass things; it was not much fun.
Last one for this week. A vegan Almond Magnum. I admit I didn't know Almonds were meat, but I'm glad they've discovered a way to make them accessible to non-carnivorous beings.

Email messages (1-7 Mar '25)

iCloud announced via google, strange I thought, that my photos, videos, contacts files and private data will be lost if I can’t answer five simple questions and pay £1.99 in less than five minutes. Do they know how hard it is to type with paws! I struggle to get my dew claw to properly hit the space bar!
Trying to get the questions right is a tough one too.
1. How much was the doggy in the window?
2. In the One man and his dog sheep dog trials show, how many dogs were found guilty?
3 When exactly did Harry meet Sally?
4 How much bigger was the boat was need in Jaws (50 years old wow)?
5 Why was Humpty Dumpty (an egg, remember) actually sat on a wall in the first place?
Nothing for it dear follower, I guess the videos are off to the great trash can in the virtual cloud :-(
Now M&S are at it too. Win a letterbox tea hamper by just answering a simple survey. This one was a bit easier.
1 What’s your mother’s maiden name?
2 What’s your dog’s name (hold on that’s insulting)?
3 What’s your date of birth?
4 What is your bank sort code and account number?
5 What secret word do you use to keep all your data secure?
I know the answer to the last one. Two words!!!!
No Netflix and chill for me after tonight. An email from “noreplay@dailymail. co.uk “ (check the spelling) tells me I have failed yet again to provide the correct bank details. It’s okay if I send them the correct information I can be back watching Dumb and Dummer in no time.
Another one from the same email address. This time it’s “Can’t hold your pee for long?” They are so stupid. I can hold it for as long as needs be but how would anyone know where I’d been when taking my human for a drag?

Email messages (22-28 Feb '25)

While Sainsbury are promising my owners can save £310 per year on my health insurance (a very specific number I thought), The Right Health cover smash them out the park with a fantastic offer of only £25.85 (what is it with odd amounts in adverts) per month for full health care cover!!!! I can skip NHS waiting lists, get High Quality treatment have my own ensuite room and my quote is without obligation.....just read the small print, that's for a 30 year old, so do I have to be 4 years 3 months or 210 years old to qualify?
Still may not need health care since I've been offered Total Antivirus protection from TotalAV. Clever bunch these, the count down clock for the "special offer" is stuck at 23:59:59. Another set of weird numbers in a SPAM. Good news is my device performance is boosted by 50%. Not sure I want that 'cos the ball I chase can go pretty quick already.
I love SPAM about ear stuff. That moment when the right spot is hit and your leg starts to flick in the air is just beyond marvellous. In this example I get a thing that looks like a bicycle pump to stick in my lug. Then a combination of vibration and suction clears out unwanted grass seed, bugs, and any other undesirables from your canal. Comes with two replaceable heads and you know what they say, two heads are better than one.
I couldn't stop laughing at this one. Enhance your stamina and confidence. Great I thought will catch that damn ball at last....keep reading. "did your doctor warn you" it starts. Warn me about what? For males (that's me out I'm a female dog and can't put the usual term as I get blocked), over 45 there is a "SECRET PLAGUE" (started chucking at this point) that is destroying cells. It targets the endocrine system (I think that's near Gallifrey, Dr Who's home planet located in the constellation of Kasterborous) It gives you a beer belly, eliminates your T levels (personally I never even got 'O' levels) drains you drive (will it pick up the leaves in Autumn too) and can even cause hair thinning. What's worse it affects 90% of people.....hang on you mean that 90% of the planet is male! I should take them seriously though because "in a medical investigation, an Australian physician actually provided proof of it". ROFL.
Oh wait, they are coming in thick and fast. Now I have been offered a formula to balance my blood.
As if balancing a treat on my nose wasn't enough! In this one researchers used "high tech phase contrast microscopes in Harvard" to find ZOMBIE CELLS that 'wrap a blanket' around good cells. We know it works because Tania Barley from Birmingham England aged 62 reports that all her ZOMBIE CELLS have left her body. Well if it works for Tania there's hope for us all.

Email messages (15-21 Feb '25)

I am so confused; "Casio For You" have in one week offered me a 600% bonus, a 300% bonus and 200 free spins. No matter how fast I turn, that tail still doesn't get any easier to catch.
After wishing me well, Zencortex tells me I only have between 10 and 14 days to fix my ringing ears. Now, don't get me wrong, tinnitus is a horrible condition that I would not wish on my worst cat acquaintance, but suggesting I stick some stuff in my ears that I have bought on the web from a small group of European scientists has made my fur stand on edge, therefore making me look like a cotton wool bud. As my old vet used to say, don't put anything larger than your elbow in your ear!
MindEnhance, on the other hand, has offered me a "stronger" memory; I'm not sure if that means my thoughts will have muscles. They clearly aren't using their own product because when I click on the link, it takes me to a site where I can meet some very pleasant-looking ladies. None of them looks like they have strong memories, though.
For just a few quid a day, I can avoid finger pricks by taking a miracle cure for diabetes. I think it is time to give Organic India the dewclaw for thinking we are .......stupid.
Wow, I must have been having a dog nap. Apparently, on-line income has found out the next crypto rush has started. It's pretty funny that they have misspelt rush and used an 'A' by mistake; perhaps they should contact a group of European scientists who have a special cream for a crypto rash.
Bit unsure about this one.....Russian beauty from a website called hostrestate.co can put me in touch with many baltic state women willing to send me cat pictures???????

Email messages (8-14 Feb '25)

There's a theme to some of the emails this week. No not Valentines 💘 but keeping your home spik and span.
Synoshi Power Scrubber is a lovely girl by all accounts. Oh wait, it's a special battery-operated power brush. I wouldn't be without one.
John Lewis has already sent my free micro vac. The only problem is I haven't spilt any micros to clean up. Anyone who has any to spare? I wouldn't want to waste this free gift.
Just my luck, the weather is getting warmer, and I get "Reminder for Tibby, Cut Your Heating Bill to Basically zero costs". Not sure what basically I need to do but basically seems like a basically scam.
Hurry Tibby! Offer Closes in Just Hours. What offer, you ask! Well, Sainsbury's (with a tick after their name in this email address????) They are giving me a dog, remember, a whole set of le creuset pans. I'm going to turn them down. Frankly, it's hard to pick them up with paws.
I'm really sorry, but an email address which is @peemuscle.com has just brought up a whole series of thoughts about lampposts that I have loved! Really? Who thinks sending a dog an email on how to control their bladder? They've definitely lost the plot!

Email messages (1-7 Feb '25)

I'm going up in the world! British Airways are offering me a 2-night break for just £159! I'm struggling with where to go! Pawlett in Somerset; Woofferton in Shropshire; Petworth in West Sussex; Labrador Bay in Devon; Hound in Hampshire. I think I draw the line at Lickey End in Worcestershire. How many of you thought I was going to say Barking? Come on, I'm not that obvious!
Seven tips to sort your finances in 2025, says Confused.com. I'm a dog! Which one of us is Confused?
The O2 is promoting Strictly to me in an email. I can only do the foxtrot....see what I did there.
The London Mint asked me if I wanted a free King Charles commemorative coin. I know so many, King Charles. Do I need a coin from each one of them?
The people at Pharmacy2U are so lovely; they referred to me as Mrs Tibby. I haven't the heart to tell them no one walked me up the aisle.
Oh no Mcafee says I have another virus. I told them that the vet knows where he can put his thermometer!!!!

Email messages (25-31 Jan '25)

Synoshi have offered me a set of cleaning products at a discount price in their winter sale. Clearly they don't realise that when I sit and drag my bum on the living room floor I'm doing the house work at the same time!
I'm a bit affronted that I have been described as a British Senior. But never the less I can get an all inclusive funeral plan and a great free gift worth £135 if I sign up now! Not sure I get the trust pilot score of 5 stars. Does anyone come back and complain?
Oh no my iCould payment didnt go through yet again. All I have to do is click on the very helpfull link and put my card details in and it will do the rest.....yeh right. ;-). While I'm at it my MacAfee has also expired. Its a dogs life keeping up with all these IT products I didnt know I had!
"Are you looking for lower mortgage payments", says the SoSaveMoney email. Well I could do with a new kennel, but at this time of year I'm happy living in with the owners, put another log on the fire, there's a good boy.
Seems like the AA (the car lot) have too many car emergency kits and are keen to give them away. I've had six email this week offering me one for free. Much rather have a chase of a car than tow it out of a ditch with my teeth.
Have they gone mad! Cadbury have offered me a free selection box. Don't they know I am not allowed to eat chocolate.
Got an email from Chronohunter. Perhaps they thought I was a Watch Dog....alright, us dogs have great hearing I can hear you groaning you know.
Thanks Serious Injury Consultants for coming to my rescue. "Had an accident that wasn't you fault". Yes I did, but I had barked and sat by the back door for quite sometime before it happened. Looking forward to the £millions I can get in compensation.

Email messages (19-24 Jan '25)

Time to get my passport out! BA are offering me a special deal. Not too worried about the seat as I don't need a lot of leg room.
OMG they are changing the rules on driving. Thanks DVLA for letting me know. While I might be able to use a keyboard getting behind the wheel is still a way off.
Can you believe it! I actually had an email about dog food! I often use deliverwoof when my owners don't know but to actually get a proper message that is relevant is a first. Well done ZENOC.
Last one this week. Some woman called Emma wants me to buy a mattress. I'm up for that my bed is not that comfy and I'm always human tired!

Email messages (12 - 18 Jan 25)

Brilliant News! I’ve been offered an extra 10% off Saville Row clothing. Can wait to try a new shirt and collar. Can’t decide if I’m looking for smart or casual clothing. The night wear looks particularly appealing.
Browns shoes have put me in a quandary. Would love the new brogues but they will only give me a discount on one pair, and yes you’ve cottoned on Ill need two!
Can it be true! I’m eligible to a special discount on my dream sofa. Bit of a result as I’m not usually allowed on the furniture. Free umbrella is a attractive option but a real challenge to put up with my paws (arthritis) while balancing on my back legs.
Finally a special trip! I’ve been invited to Barbados on an all inclusive holiday for free! All I have to do is pay a small holding fee by giving them my bank details, mother’s maiden name and date of birth. Sex on the beach here I come, as long as no one has a bucket of cold water handy.
I am very grateful to sirajkhan8942 (which I must admit is a strange email for Jan Daniel but hey I’m a dog so what can I say) for logging into my PayPal and renewing my Microsoft account for $589.99. Could have easily missed that one! It’s okay though because Abigail (khulna) also did it but this time it was £677.44. I can’t believe how much it costs for Microsoft nowadays.
Last one for this week, I can get £1000’s in compensation for the lack of maintenance on my house! Mould, damp, heating, electrics, crumbling plaster and a leaky roof, that’ll teach my owner to ignore my kennel condition. I’ll keep you in the loop on how it goes.